Pretentious, grandiose, and monotonous. These are the best words I can think of to describe this movie. I’ve never seen so much nothing happen in a two-hour period, nor have I seen another movie practically take pride in that fact. Nevertheless, here we are. The plot revolves around Colin Ferrell, who plays a cardiologist, and a boy named Martin who visits Colin at the hospital. Apparently a couple of years ago, Martin’s father – a previous patient of Colin’s – passed away, and Martin has come to visit Colin ever since. This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of odd behavior displayed in this movie. Let’s get this over with.

Since this movie is obviously trying to be “artsy”, it is full of silent, drawn out scenes that come with every pretentious, artsy movie. What sets this one apart is the complete lack of emotion or humanity in apparently every living person in this abstract universe. Everyone speaks in a fast, monotone, robotic manner about everything. Every topic holds equal emotional weight, not warranting a change in inflection or volume in their voices. It’s almost as if the actors don’t care, but I’m guessing what’s more likely is the director had them recite their lines this way on purpose in order to “display his creative genius” or some other bullshit. They go from talking about the weather to talking about incredibly inappropriate things in conversation with no segue or pause in topic. It’s so bizarre to witness and so awkwardly portrayed that it kind of just makes you wonder, why?

If you plan on seeing this piece of garbage then stop reading now because I’m going to spoil the hell out of it. No one should have to sit through two hours of mind-numbing dullness only to be rewarded with this stupid ending. We learn early on that Colin Ferrell’s character is a creep, making his wife pretend to be unconscious in order to get him aroused, but it turns out he is also somehow responsible for the death of Martin’s father. This part I saw coming from a mile away, so there’s no real twist there. The twist comes when Martin reveals he has powers to cause Colin’s family to fall ill and die – that is, unless Colin kills one of his own family members first. Naturally, he dismisses the kid as crazy at first, but then begins to take him seriously once both of his children end up in the hospital for being suddenly unable to ingest food. This movie took a sharp turn from pretentious drama into paranormal thriller, yet didn’t change the mood or tone of the setting, resulting in a weird combination that does not work for either’s benefit.

Eventually, Colin blindfolds himself, seats his family in a room, and begins spinning around, shooting his shotgun randomly. He and his wife determined this would be the fairest way to kill one of them. This inevitably leads to his son being shot dead, which results somehow in his daughter being healed and regaining full strength. Hooray? So over the course of the two hours I’ve sat through, Colin has managed to accomplish nothing and just ends up doing what Martin wanted all along. This has to be the most linear storytelling I’ve ever seen. After murdering his son, the scene cuts to the most dramatic French fry eating scene ever put on film. WHAT.

The movie finally ends with opera music playing, transitioning into a completely silent credit roll. I expect nothing less from this artsy, awkward, self-gratifying piece of shit.

This movie is…

Another example of a non-horror movie with a misleading trailer.

Cheers and goodnight.