Start off Valentine’s Day right with this story of a young woman who is incapable of finding love, or finds it in all the wrong places. Growing up in a world where everyone attempts to abuse her, she defends herself the only plausible way she knows how – biting them. Every rose has its thorns, and this rose has a nasty bite.

Man = bad, women = good…

1. Probably the most sexist movie I’ve seen about men, ‘Teeth’ depicts all men as rapist animals. From the young woman’s stepbrother, to her boyfriend, to her gynecologist, they all attempt to sexually abuse her. The other men are seemingly afraid of sex, with no one in between. Seriously, I cannot relate to any of the male characters in this movie. If a guy isn’t trying to get his rocks off, then he’s taking an abstinence pledge, according to this movie.

2. I’m so tired of horror movies trying to sell me some “message”, and this one is full of them. I get it, all right? Schools don’t inform people enough about sex and that leads to repression and angst. I get the point. Abstinence pledges only make people want to have sex more, I understand that. People are inherently animals and will do anything to multiply like rabbits. I get it. Stop shoving messages down my throat and start with the horror, already!

3. If you manage to overlook the bad acting and finally make it to the plot, congratulations. The movie moves slower than a two-legged horse, and the terrible acting only makes it that much harder to endure. I was certain I had watched an hour of the movie, but it turned out to only be thirty minutes. Let me explain something, being artful does not mean dragging out unimportant parts of a movie, as all of these independent films seem to do.

4. How about an explanation? They give us no reason for the young woman to be born with teeth inside of her, yet she seems to accept it almost immediately. Of course, if I was a woman that lived in a world of sexual angst and rapists, I guess teeth would sound like a good idea. Oh, wait, was that another message? You’re a clever little movie, yes you are!

5. Guys, this movie is hard to watch. Not because of the bad acting, or slow story, or constant messages, or even the sexism. This is hard to watch because, as a man, no one wants to see his junk be bitten off. For me, this was a better metaphor and message than any others in the film, because that’s exactly what women do to men in a relationship. If you think I’m lying, try not celebrating Valentine’s Day, and we’ll see who really controls your head.

In closing, I’ve watched this once before, and it was difficult watching it again. However, it is original and does make me cringe, so I can’t fully discredit it. After you make it to about an hour in, it starts to be funny and actually becomes enjoyable.

This movie is…
Close your legs, and avoid this one.

Cheers and goodnight.